My name is Jessica, and I'm not going to shut up anymore.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Pain, Pain, Go Away

I've tried hard. But not hard enough?

After my August 2013 surgery, I did start to feel the benefits of the excision process which eliminated growth around my right ovary, including an abdominal adhesion that planted my ovary against my abdominal wall and some uterine adhesions. Around October, I had some breakthrough bleeding which threw me for a loop. I was worried--like, "Am I falling apart?!" kind of worried. Mostly because I envisioned my Mirena breaking through my uterine wall like Uma Thurman furiously punching her way through a casket in Kill Bill: Vol. 2. Otherwise, I just hoped that the hormone therapy of both the Mirena and NuvaRing would eliminate my menses and, thus, help supress the abnormal endometrial growth.

Around December, I found myself suffering from occasional bouts of pelvic pain. Stabbing, sometimes throbbing, minimal bouts of severe pain. It all went away. And then came back. And went away again. I was in a cycle of increasing severe pain, and didn't want to have to go back to my steady Tramadol regimen. But I caved--I gave in. I emailed Dr. H about my issues and we went back with Tramadol for breakthrough pain.

But what happens if the "breakthrough pain" becomes, well, "all the time pain?" It's happened to me before for months at a time. The thought of unrelenting, throbbing, chronic, sickening, debilitating pain revisiting my lady parts for months and months was enough to scare me into a strict gluten free diet. NOTE: Enough to SCARE me. But not enough to motivate me.

I am a self-proclaimed stress eater. I love food. I gain weight somewhat easily. I am not the healthiest of persons. I am not obese, but I could lose about 20 lbs and feel great. Either way, here we are. Not quite a year after my last laparoscopy, and I'm already sitting here with the deep, throbbing, somewhat burning pain in my lower right side. And what am I doing about it? Because I am familiar with both pain and triggers of pain, I have decided to take 2 Aleve per day; start drinking more water; use a heating pad; eat gluten-free and start exercising. So I am doing something, but I'm worried that with my cyclical pattern of (bad?) behavior, I will ultimately keep letting myself down--keep letting my body down. Does this make me a terrible person? No. Does this make me a negligent human being? Possibly. Should I take better care of myself? Yes. But is there a definitive cure for endometriosis? No.

So the question: Is this my fault? Is the pain my fault? Is it in my head? (<--Hate this question, but don't act like you've never said it to yourself before.) Is this an endo flare-up? Is it a cyst?

I don't know. I don't know the answers to my questions, and until I see Dr. H next week, it's driving me CRAZY. The pain is driving me CRAZY. So perhaps the blog title "You're Not Crazy" should be altered to suggest that "you're not crazy--it's the pain that's driving you to think you're crazy." In the meantime, I just say to my body, pleading for relief: "Pain. Pain. GO AWAY."

And don't come another day. Just get lost.

"...we can do it your way, but DON'T GET CRAZY."