Because then, maybe I could figure out how to be an endometriosis success. Maybe with this knowledge, I could help myself get out of the negative cycle of feeling good/feeling bad/feeling better/feeling worse. Maybe I might know how to recover.
"If only I could recover here. Recovery. Recover. Re-cover. To find something I have lost. Overy. Over. . . I split word and morpheme to make meaning, my own. Recovery: to choose sorrow or separate yourself from it."
So here is my question: Why did I feel so depressed after recovering? Why did I choose not to separate myself from the sorrow of feeling victim to my own body? Here's why: When you recover, your life changes again. You begin to feel like the need to be a social hermit is minimized. You begin to realize that you can make dinner plans. That you can stomach dessert. That you can have fun and live your life again. AGAIN. Meaning: you have to introduce yourself to this "new" person--this new you--who is learning how to reorient and renegotiate social boundaries all. Over. Again. And it's hard!
I'm worried that my endo will come back. Full force. Worse than before. I'm worried that when it does come back (ok: IF it comes back), I'll feel too defeated to want to do anything about it.
I know in my bones--also rationally--that I will totally be proactive about treatment. But...if I'm not living up to my own expectations of health (by eating right 90% of the time), how do I stay accountable to myself without a proper network of support? Maybe there are some answers here that can be explored by getting myself involved in more reading, research and outreach.
What if I want (the pain) to come back? What if I liked some of the attention I got from feeling sick? What if I got comfortable being sick and don't want to really change?
On that note, I am not really the same person I was a year ago. What if I'm okay with being more introspective and introverted? What if I'm just not ready to run a half marathon again? How can I be "me" again if I'm not really sure who "me" is right now?